My boyfriend totally lost his sex drive with me


It has been almost one year. My boyfriend totally lost his sex drive with me (though he said he lost libido in general, not because of me). It is frustrating that we lay on the bed but without any physical connection. I tried whatever I could think of, being sweet, being engaged, being a slut. It hurt me when he would say «sorry this is so far I can go and if this is the best we can get in relationship, we can work it out.» We had several crisis in the past one year, though we both tried hard to overcome all the crises, in relationship, in jobs, in life. It seems to me that I am able to embrace a new life, but that he refuses to move forward. Sadly, we both think we are individuals that we would consider being with for the rest of lives, but the lack of sexuality kills me in daily life. What should I do?

ANSWER

There are many reasons why a man could be impotent. This is also called erectile dysfunction (ED).

First consider there might be medical conditions causing the problem, but that is beyond what I can explain in a brief message. If he us able to get erections sometimes, then likely the problem is not medical, but if he rarely if ever gets erections no matter what the stimulation, then the problem is likely to be medical and he should seek the help of a doctor for proper diagnosis and treatment.

More likely the problem is mental, psychological. Again there can be so many possibilities that I could not go into all of them. One option is to seek counseling or coaching. We offer telephone coaching if you want to go the coaching rout. But here are a couple of suggestions to consider first.

The first step and the most important thing is that he is willing to confront his own demons and do his inner work to become fit for relationship. Every relationship problem is to some extent the result of a dynamic situation between both partners, but if he is not willing to look inside to find his own solution, there would be little that you could do. It sounds like you have tried many options without effect, so it is likely he is dealing with some internal mental situation based upon something from his past, for example possibly including sexual abuse.

He will have to be willing to see what is inside himself, and let you in on it; in other words open his heart to reveal what is going on inside him. By revealing what is going on, what he is feeling, what he can see that might be going on within himself, this is what it means to have an open heart. He may not be willing or able to do that, and if not, frankly I suggest you look elsewhere for the true love that you desire. Without doing such inner work, it is unlikely that this situation will correct itself and you could spend months or years hoping things will change.

If he is willing to share with you what is inside himself, to become emotionally vulnerable and transparent, to open his heart to you, then you have something to work with that would make it worthwhile, or at least hopeful, that together you could find a resolution, allowing him to have a more normal male sexual response to your healthy female sexual needs and desires.

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